The best way we can understand life, is to simply admit whether we want to or not, that none of us truly has a handle on it – can’t be said any simpler. When you wake up in the morning is it a blessing or a curse? Do you fear the moments which will follow your first footsteps of the day, or do you feel an energy, which will send you into the world making a difference no matter how insignificant or over the top? As much as we would like to always be positive, we still allow those WTF days to happen, along with road rage, something dropped, spilled or broken.
Recently life left me a little more humanly WTF unhinged than normal, when the door shut quietly on 18 years of living. However, it reopened the next day, to possibilities and scenarios, all new and filled with trepidation and excitement. It was an eye opener as well; to how easy it is to become complacent in the space and time of life, as we move towards that eternal finish line, where there are no winners or losers, just participants who have hopefully gained knowledge and strength from their journey. Although I stand fully accountable for my part in the sad stagnant state of affairs that predetermined my shut door, it doesn’t change the outcome. It does however change how I see myself, the future and the finish line.
When we are first brought through the door, hospital or otherwise – we see faces anxious for us to succeed, love and grow (hint: they never really change as we age by the way). After that it is up to us, and how we allow outside influences, people and events to shape who we become. The past 18 years clouded my ability to understand the impact of that sentence, most importantly the simple word “allow.” Because free will is the central characteristic of mankind, when it is given up in any capacity, we cease to become that initial bundle of life facing the unknown, instead becoming a bundle of raw emotion torn between who we are and who we are trying to be. Free will also comes at a price no one knows until it has been surrendered, and then it is too late, and it usually takes a few prisoners in the process.
How easy it is to lose ourselves in the ambitions and dreams of another, for no other reason than we have become comfortable together, and don’t want to rock the boat or appear judgmental causing friction in the relationship. Yet, if we are walking along and a rock gets into a shoe, don’t we motion our partner to walk ahead, saying we will catch up, or maybe they take the initiative and pause, waiting for us to begin the walk again. We don’t ignore the simple rock until it has rubbed the skin raw, bloodied the foot, caused injury or even further, allow it to become infected with possible amputation at some point. So why do we do it in a relationship – albeit personal or professional?
It is a blessing we have the free will to eventually recognize behavior killing our soul, and understand walking away is sometimes the only way to allow life to rebuild, and recover from the disenchantment and destruction, regardless if it has been only months or many years. The question is of course; can we learn from the mistakes, and reclaim the individual we are, ready to face whatever is waiting behind our door?
I know I am strong enough to continue, and with a certain amount of excitement anxious for what will now be my life. Opening myself up to what I am capable of accomplishing and refusing to shut down when my emotions may fall short, will be just as important as any door I may face. The free will is mine and should never be given up for another, because in doing so would again begin the destruction of anything healthy.
Every day in your life the door is open to possibility, walking through it is an adventure and an obligation as we take the journey to the finish line, and the only handle we will ever have on that journey, is maybe the knob we secure on the physical door behind us, as we face who we are and all that we can be.
May 14, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Wow…..beautifully written….just beautiful.