I often wonder why the jolly old man in red is so beloved and overly commercialized.  Then I realized it is the one holiday moment when a man succeeds and doesn’t screw up the holiday arrangements and actually does something.  Therefore, men of every walk of life applaud his efforts and he becomes a mass marketing extravaganza – a god if you will of holiday testosterone.

Most men however never reach such heights of accomplishment, their own tinsel lays limp.  To this end, I wish we could just zap them out of our way until the holiday festivities are about to happen and eliminate the additional stress they bring in the form of stupid.

I do not do stupid.

For some reason all of the last holidays I can remember, the man of the house, decided to either “fix” or “improve” the vacuum as I am rushing to get the holiday food prepared or last minute cleaning and decorating.  He sits in a pile of dust that I honestly wish he would become with a look on his face between Mr. Wizard and internal distress over old pizza.  One occasion the vacuum went to the trash and another he did get it working, although I never remember it not working.  He had accomplished his place in the holiday.

There are others of course, the need to clean the medicine cabinet out – oh yes, all our guests will notice that one I think as I am lifting a 20 pound turkey into the oven after wrist surgery.  Watering or mowing the lawn minutes before guests show up – Brilliant now they can track soggy crap all over the floor I am cleaning while the mower is humming away.  There is also the time honored need to rearrange the garage because of course our guests will want to run out there to stand with our trash cans and enjoy the festivities.

However, the crowing event is just the standing at the door beaming with accomplishment when people arrive.  What was it again you did?   I am sorry but the basic testosterone driven man and a holiday do not go hand in hand, unless of course you are one of those men who go hand in hand, because those of you are the guys who do it right, and with a cosmo as well!

So the next holiday when Santa arrives and gets all the credit for my cleaning, shopping and baking and my other half standing beaming over the floor I cleaned, the food I made from scratch and the perfect gifts I knew to buy, please there is no need to find the vacuum I can tell you both right now, you suck!